I went to Banff last week for five days and although the original purpose of my trip was to attend a friend’s wedding the trip ended up being one, which felt like a stepping-stone in life. I camped solo for the first time ever (a testing endeavor for sure), I read, I wrote, I had some crucial conversations with loved ones, I went to multiple yoga classes at the beautiful Rocky Mountain Yoga studio and I had my cards read for the first time.
The stepping stone piece for me was realizing how important it is that I stick to the things that make me happy. I need to stay true to myself despite the ability of life and our busy-bee minds to pull us in every freaking direction imaginable. I hit a point during the alone time where I couldn’t make sense of anything that was going on in my head. It was all a mumbo-jumbo mess of random thoughts, half considered ideas, visions of a life that I wasn’t sure I wanted, and torturous anxiety about the relationships that are most important to me. I read some of my writing from that day and it honestly scares me - there's a hopelessness in my words; I can hear my heart hurting.
I’ve never been a believer (or perhaps I am a believer and it just terrifies me) in what I’ve come to call “spiritual psychics”, however a friend advised that I meet with a teacher in Banff who reads cards just to see what came of it. She reasoned with me that it’s less about predicting and more about opening me to alternative ways of thinking. I obliged and went to see the reader with the intention of listening but with a skeptical ear...
The session was fantastic, and although I take the entire concept of life predictability with a grain of salt, it DID get me thinking about my life in a totally different way. It inspired me to make changes, to talk about sh*t that needed to be talked about and it fuelled my desire to take the next step in my yoga teaching and in life. It confirmed some things I think I knew were there, but I needed a push to come to terms with. It confirmed the mentality I've held for a while now - you make things happen to you.
I've become a little idle in the last few weeks. Sitting quietly, letting life confusion take over. It's not a good feeling to feel lost in the way that I've been feeling lately. Whereas normally I embrace lostness as a benefit, this lostness is one I don't care to know. It's different. The lostness I'm open to is rather navigation and adventure. This - this is hopelessness.
I heard the card reader speak of my ability to make positive change. I heard her talk of how it's so important to act, to push fear aside and to take advantage of every opportunity that presents itself to me. Did I already know this? Yes, I did. But it took me hearing it aloud from someone on the outside to feel assured in the way I've chosen to live my life.
I believe in making things happen to you. I believe that the power to make the world a better place rests in each of our hearts. And NOW is the time to release that power and watch it grow and blossom into something that is of benefit to all who come into contact with you. That idea you're considering, that thing you've been thinking about, that person that you can't get out of your head - GO and move with that.
"We don't grow from idle living."
So, don't be adle - ACT.
Thank you to that friend, and to the reader who gave me a swift kick in the butt and made me realize that I've been failing to take my own advice. Since realizing this I've started to get back on track, and I'm starting to feel lost in the way I like to feel lost again.
The honest learnings and raw reflections of my practice and my life. Unedited.