What if the suffering I've experienced, that I am enduring, is resultant from unresolved karmas and unsatisfied attractions that are not from within my physical lifetime? What if the roots of my suffering are embedded in one of my recycled spirits past physical lives?
The spirit is everlasting. My soul is eternal, however the karmas I participate in are capable of moving my spirit towards contentment and liberation or towards ignorance and suffering. When I act or react in an ignorant manner, I add to my own suffering by contributing to negative karma. My ability to be present or not be present determines if my spirit needs to be reincarnated with the intention of squaring off unresolved karmas. I am here to settle karmas provoked in past lives - in an overarching attempt to set my spirit free from the constraints of the physical world.
I believe I have been given a message, or a sign, or granted a memory - a sort of deja-vu I guess one could say. "The feeling" is something I have experienced since my childhood. I spoke of "the feeling" but could never put into words what it meant. I could never decipher what emotions were attached to it. I have never known where it came from or why it was there. And I have never known what to do with it. "The feeling" was lonely, like I didn't have a family or friends - I existed in solitude. And although I wanted to be good, to be pure, I was compelled to be "bad" - to rebel. "The feeling" was uncomfortable. I imagine I suppressed "the feeling" because I developed alternate coping mechanisms, which allowed "the feeling" to surface infrequently and with less power. I pushed it away - I've been running from it.
Yesterday, in session five of YTT, I remembered "the feeling". While discussing karmas, I acknowledged "the feeling" and considered the possibility of it being an unresolved karma, a lingering emotion from a past life. Could this be why no traditional form of therapy has uncovered a root to my suffering? Because they've been focused on canvassing my physical life?
I postulate that "the feeling" belongs to my spirit, not to my mind. It is not a construct of external influence, but rather a product of past undertakings. I cannot know what caused "the feeling" and to search my consciousness and subconsciousness for that answer would be ignorant and a waste of my time. What I can do - all I can do - is acknowledge "the feeling", appreciate that it is there for a reason and work to decipher the present emotion that it invokes. The experience nor the thoughts are mine, my mind's that is. The present emotions, however, are mine and those are what I must attend to. I must cope appropriately. I must nurture my body, my mind and my spirit in the face of this suffering and from there, I must let go. I must let go of my tie to "the feeling" for it cannot contribute to contentment. I must forgive my past body, my past mind and most importantly, my soul. I must do this in order to move forward, now, as is, here. That is the way to pursue contentment and liberation.
The honest learnings and raw reflections of my practice and my life. Unedited.