What if the suffering I've experienced, that I am enduring, is resultant from unresolved karmas and unsatisfied attractions that are not from within my physical lifetime? What if the roots of my suffering are embedded in one of my recycled spirits past physical lives?
The spirit is everlasting. My soul is eternal, however the karmas I participate in are capable of moving my spirit towards contentment and liberation or towards ignorance and suffering. When I act or react in an ignorant manner, I add to my own suffering by contributing to negative karma. My ability to be present or not be present determines if my spirit needs to be reincarnated with the intention of squaring off unresolved karmas. I am here to settle karmas provoked in past lives - in an overarching attempt to set my spirit free from the constraints of the physical world.
I believe I have been given a message, or a sign, or granted a memory - a sort of deja-vu I guess one could say. "The feeling" is something I have experienced since my childhood. I spoke of "the feeling" but could never put into words what it meant. I could never decipher what emotions were attached to it. I have never known where it came from or why it was there. And I have never known what to do with it. "The feeling" was lonely, like I didn't have a family or friends - I existed in solitude. And although I wanted to be good, to be pure, I was compelled to be "bad" - to rebel. "The feeling" was uncomfortable. I imagine I suppressed "the feeling" because I developed alternate coping mechanisms, which allowed "the feeling" to surface infrequently and with less power. I pushed it away - I've been running from it.
Yesterday, in session five of YTT, I remembered "the feeling". While discussing karmas, I acknowledged "the feeling" and considered the possibility of it being an unresolved karma, a lingering emotion from a past life. Could this be why no traditional form of therapy has uncovered a root to my suffering? Because they've been focused on canvassing my physical life?
I postulate that "the feeling" belongs to my spirit, not to my mind. It is not a construct of external influence, but rather a product of past undertakings. I cannot know what caused "the feeling" and to search my consciousness and subconsciousness for that answer would be ignorant and a waste of my time. What I can do - all I can do - is acknowledge "the feeling", appreciate that it is there for a reason and work to decipher the present emotion that it invokes. The experience nor the thoughts are mine, my mind's that is. The present emotions, however, are mine and those are what I must attend to. I must cope appropriately. I must nurture my body, my mind and my spirit in the face of this suffering and from there, I must let go. I must let go of my tie to "the feeling" for it cannot contribute to contentment. I must forgive my past body, my past mind and most importantly, my soul. I must do this in order to move forward, now, as is, here. That is the way to pursue contentment and liberation.
The way to do is to be. Lao Tzu wrote those words. I am beginning to understand the underlying necessity of this statement. You cannot do good, you cannot do anything of purpose without first being. Here and now, in this light, being you - mind, body and spirit. Being is the way.
What is occupying my modifying mind, is the hard pressed truth that I cannot know the way, I cannot seek the way, I cannot even contemplate the way. The way to do is to be. And to be doesn't require any formal or informal measures. It merely is, as is. I want to experience contentment, however I am unable to know contentment because I have never experienced it. Therefore, how could I possibly desire something I have never known?
The way to do is to be and I can only be here, this, now. Any thought of wanting contentment, seeking contentment or comparing contentment to my life's previous experiences, is not being, for my mind is canvassing the past and the future. Contentment is an in the moment state. The only way to achieve this present state is to quiet the mind and be still. Restraining the modifying mind gives way to your natural, peaceful state. Therefore, the way to do is to be. Concept grasped.
Now, how does one restrain the modifying mind? How does one uncover their natural state? How does one be? It is a process perfectly attuned to the individual soul. I exist in this process, somewhere on the spectrum, as I ought to. My being is present at every moment of the process. I must allow my body, mind and spirit to align and move in unison through each miraculous moment.
Could there be more to this Ayurvedic thing than I initially thought? I have always been interested in the science of Ayurveda, the science of life. I think I felt unsure, however, as to whether I believed in the principles, especially if those principles applied to myself and the ailments (mostly psychological) that I suffer from (on an ongoing basis).
After the first weekend of yoga teacher training, I felt scared of Ayurveda. I felt as though it may be an answer to many of my issues, however I felt afraid that I would never be able to live up to the demanding structure that is an Ayurvedic lifestyle. I was unsure if I could sacrifice my current way of life for that of a more holistic nature. Diet, asana, pranayama, no sugar/alcohol/caffeine etc. It seems a daunting task. Life is so busy. I feel as though I'm pulled this way and that - my body, my mind and my spirit. There is no, or at least very little, sense of home within myself.
This weekend, my third weekend of yoga teacher training, I recognize that this is the issue. My unwillingness to address the issue of not knowing who I am, what I am and where I am. I am seldom present because I feel pulled this way and that. I seldom feel grounded. I do not take the time, I do not put forth the effort, I do not seek pure prana. This time, effort and energy is necessary for me to experience contentment. I do not want to be present - I need it.
What I've come to realize is that my sadhana, my regular daily practice, is for me. It does not have to reflect anyone else's sadhana. Ayurveda is a science of living well, and living well looks different to everyone. We are all part of this universe, we are all intertwined, but we all have unique and beautiful souls. My intention is to discover what living well means to my soul. Reaching contentment is not easy or hard. It is a process of self discovery and this process manifests as it should, in the time it should. The sacrifices I am required to make are scary because I haven't uncovered my truth. Once I discover this inner divinity, I will feel at home within myself. Home is a place I desire to be, and so I must be willing to commit the time, effort and energy necessary to find my way back to this place of contentment. My sadhana is the path, my own personal sadhana, which is authentic to my being. Commitment signed.
The honest learnings and raw reflections of my practice and my life. Unedited.